Sshh, we won’t hurt you…
Evie jerked awake and sat up suddenly, her heart pounding. She looked around her to see her room with boxes half unpacked, scattered everywhere. She buried her head in her hands, breathing deeply.
The sun was barely risen, casting a soft light around the room. Evie pulled herself up out of bed and wandered over to her wardrobe. All her clothes were unpacked and hung up neatly. She ran her fingers across the hangers, making them rattle. She pulled out a purple silky shirt, an outfit already half planned. She rummaged around looking for her favourite pair of jeans. Sighing, she opened one of the boxes.
“Typical,” she muttered, “right at the very bottom.”
Finally finding them, she laid her outfit out on the bed.
“Perfect.”
She got dressed quickly and glancing at the clock sighed. 7.45
“Ok, 45 minutes to kill” she said quietly, wandering into the kitchen
“What to do…” She briefly considered unpacking some of the boxes, before deciding to finish doing it another time, she was too nervous now.
Her stomach rumbled quietly. Rubbing it, she searched through the cupboards. “Nothing. Right, ok, bag.” she muttered. She shuffled through her bag, making sure she had her books, pens and calculator. She glanced at the clock again.
“Ok, half an hour”
She looked around the kitchen. Her car keys were lying on the table. Grabbing them and her bag, she walked out of the kitchen.
Closing the front door behind her, she looked out on to the street. It was silent, no one was out yet. She walked quickly to her car and got in.
“Off to town I go.”
She had seen a little patisserie when she first moved to the small town, but had never gone in.
“No time like the present” she muttered turning on the radio.
The town was quiet, with only a few people drifting around. She pulled up outside the shop, pushing her brown curls out of her face as she got out.
No one else was in the shop, but she could hear people clattering around down the back.
“Hello, can I help you?” the assistant asked in a strong French accent as she walked out from the kitchen.
“Hi, can I have… a croissant and a … hot chocolate please?
“Would you mind waiting, the croissants are almost done?” the assistant asked, pointing down the back.
“That’s fine” Evie said, smiling.
The woman walked back to the kitchen. Evie looked around the shop. It was simply decorated, but it seemed warm and friendly. She heard the bell ring behind her. The assistant walked back out to the counter.
“Bonjour,” said a voice behind Evie.
“Bonjour, ça va?” the woman replied, smiling.
“Bien, could I have a croissant and a- just the croissant for now, please.”
Evie rooted around in her bag looking for her purse.
“Mind waiting? They’re nearly done.”
“No problem, I’m early anyway.”
“Michel, les croissants-” She hurried away speaking rapid french.
“You looking for someone in there? asked the voice.
Evie smiled but didn’t look up.
“No, I’m looking for my-” she groaned as she remembered her purse lying on the-
“Dressing table!”
“Sorry, but fitting your dressing table in there is somethin’ I’d like to see. Mind if I take a look?
She laughed, it felt good. She rarely laughed and without her brother around, it had become even rarer. And now a stranger had done what was almost impossible.
“My money is on my dressing table-”
“ D‘accord, two croissants and a hot chocolate”
“Actually, I don’t -”
“No, no this one’s on me” the stranger interrupted.
“Really, it’s fine” Evie said quickly.
“I wanna pay!”
She looked up for the first time and her amber eyes met the sparkling blue.
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Canary word: Present
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139,467 Literary Works • 672,571 Reviews
ok well i def like this but u already knew this. i do think you could add some more to this though. details maybe. maybe something else could happen. or maybe u could combine first and second chapters all the way through him lookin at her car and stuff. i couldnt really find much to say about it that everyone else hasnt already but all these ppl saying she shouldnt talk to herself are crazy cause i talk to myself all the time. i sometimes narrarate my own life lol ok so maybe i am weird but ya know.
I think that the talking aloud to herself is a little awkward. You could fix this by italicizing the words she said, taking away the quotation marks, and instead of 'she said,' or 'she muttered,' write, 'she thought.'
Other than the missed periods that the other reviewers have mentioned, I think your writing is great.
Cute meeting! You might want to add some commas, and what are we [the readers] to understand from her constant mumbling? That she's alone, without her brother, therefore filling the silence with her own chattering? She seems a little... weird. But a good kind of weird. I like her. The guy she met was cute too! Everything started out a little mechanic, I think you want to work on your flow more, moving from subject to subject less noticeably. Please PM me for the next chapter!! I liked this!
Keep on writting it!!!
ofir
I'll just annotate this in bold for ya. ;]
I think, with a little bit of revision this could be excellent. You didn't explain what she was nervous about or what she was waiting for though. It may be clear to you as an author but it's not clear to me as a reader.
I love the idea, though. Keep it up! ;]
Okay, okay, you're off to a good start!
So far I'm really really liking your style and writing pattern, and you stay pretty much consistent with your voice which is so great. You also gave away enough to keep us from getting too confused, but you left Evie's past and life a mystery, like how we know that she is new to her house/apartment (thus the unpacked-ness, huh? 
) and something bad has happened because she 'rarely laughs', but we're all itching to know WHY. And that's great writing technique.
I really couldn't pick out very many writing issues in this piece at all, it's a clean, attention-grabbing, I-wanna-read-s'more opener. Be proud.
One thing to think about: Sometimes you rant a little bit and add unnecessary descriptions that would be better if you just dropped. Kind of "filler passages", they don't move the story in any direction. Such as, in the very beginning when Evie is getting ready. She elaborates on her outfit and then "quickly gets dressed", and it's sort of like, why did I need all of that if she just quickly got dressed? You know? But truly, this isn't a big problem for you, just something to maybe think about when you're writing.
Also, there were a few pick-and-choosy grammatical things here or there, missing commas that other people have kindly pointed out for you, some missing quotation marks, yada yada yada. But I think these are just a few little fast-mistakes, I don't think you honestly have a grammar problem.
Very nice! I'll be sure to come back and read more if/when you post other parts!
I really don't think the "..."s are needed, and it'd be best if you were leave them out.
Those should be two seperate sentences.
French should be capitalized.
I don't believe "Rarer" is a word.
"Want to" would be more appropriate since combining the two words is more slang.
Sparkling blue what? Explain.
Overall:
I felt that this story here was pretty pointless. You were basically telling what the girl was doing one moment after another, and didn't have much feeling on emotion with it. I do not understand how this is a romantic story either, where is the romance? Is it supposed to be the end line of the girls's eyes meeting a pair of blue ones? It isn't very good that you mention that romance on the last line of the story, and without this being placed into the "Romance" section, we would not even know if she had an attraction to the person she was looking at. Work on this, and I'm sure it will get much better.
Hi Dark Eyed Pixie!
I enjoyed reading that. But I did find that there was grammar problems with the periods. And I found it a little odd that she was talking to herself alot. I also would've liked if everything was explained a little more to make it more interesting. But I really enjoyed reading it and was captured by it to see what would happen. I loved the way it ended too. It got you thinking and wondering what would happen next. Can't wait to see more of it!!
I like it! Your style is awesome, very original. Not like, you know, how some people write anything and it's like something everybody has read before?lol But yours is always original which is what attracts people to your work. "Typical," she muttered. "Right at the very bottom." Haha I liked that line. Something that would happen to me. Anyways, I didn't really see any grammer problems. So good work! Loving your style! x
Hello!
Okay, I really enjoyed the basic story line of what you have here. You have a lot of strong phrases that capture attention, particularly that last line: "She looked up for the first time and her amber eyes met the sparkling blue." I was sad it was the last line, my eyes kept searching the page for more and I was disappointed I didn't find it (ha ha).
The only thing about the plot I didn't love, was the first few paragraphs that don't exactly escalate to the point where she meets him. They're a little bit "empty" if you will... there's something lacking in the descriptions that make it kind of banal and predictable.
Also, there are quite of few little mistakes which other editors have so kindly pointed out for you, but they are easily fixed!
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story, I was captivated by the plot and i hope you keep writing more!
Good luck : )
FA
Hey Dark Eyed Pixie!
“Ok, half an hour” And here.Something that caught my eye was that you missed a lot of periods (something that I do a lot too.).
Example:
“That’s fine” Again here.
“Really, it’s fine” Also here.
She got dressed quickly and glancing at the clock sighed. 7.45
I think its supposed to be 7:45.
I like how she thinks at loud... Anyway nice story PM when you do the next part.
Hey Dark Eyed Pixie,
It was a really good start. After reading the intro (I guess that's what it is), I am pulled in. There where just few nitpicks but overall it was really good. Although I found it was a bit brief.... and there could have been more description. Maybe some interactions with the family members would be an idea. Not that the character has to directly talk to them but even if she passes their bed room door or if her brother forgot his lunch it will give more development to the character and so on. I also loved how she talked to herself out loud... now i don't feel so crazy!
I loved this as it is. I think it adds so much mystery and imagery. It's almost poetic and personally, I think you need that in this type of writing.
Like I said good start, I want to know who this "sparkling blue" is and if they have anything to do with what happened in the intro.
Best of luck,
Awake
Hiya there Pixie! I'm Becca, and your reviewer for today. :]
Before I get started, I just want to point out that you probably don't want to leave something untitled. Usually the title is the thing that catches the reader's attention, and makes them click on the link, and leaving it untitled is really catchy.
So, the review:
Nitpicks;
This was kind of confusing, because I don't know what's going on. As I read on I guessed that it was a dream?
I think it would sound better if you did "Silky purple shirt." You can ignore this if you want, it's just a suggestion. :]
Is 7.45 supposed to mean the time? Then it should be: 7:45. Or spell it out.
I would spell out numbers, it makes it more... um... professional.
Dang, she talks to herself a lot.
Wow. This is kind of awkward. She talks to herself. A lot. As far as I know, normal people don't talk to themselves, telling themselves what to do. Explain that she's going to town, instead of her saying it out loud. I wouldn't get in my car and say, "Off to town I go." I would probably think it in my head.
I feel like this is random and you are jumping around. So what about the bakery (by the way, I had to look that word up)? You mentioned it, so explain it. What was at it? Bread? Doughnuts? Hmm...what did they look like?
the sparkling blue? You mean his sparkling blue eyes? Please say so. Sparkling blue can be anything.
Overall;
There were a lot of simple mistakes, and I pointed some of them out.
It was interesting, but not a whole lot went on. You also needed a lot more description.
Hm... Oh, and something I forgot in the nitpicks:
Why does it feel good? Has she just not laughed in a long time? going through a hard time?
Good luck!
Becca